Where is Heaven?

This song, by Janice Kapp Perry, makes me tear up EVERY time I hear it. It started working my tear ducts a few years ago after I found out that my grandpa had Lymphoma. I remember listening to that song, on repeat, for a couple of days after the news shook me. When he passed, two and a half years ago, I had to listen to that song for about a week, on repeat, to bring comfort and help me grieve.

Sean and I recently went on a hike (really just more like a walk through the woods) and the song that played in my mind over and over was this sweet song. Thankfully Sean hiked in front of me, and couldn't hear my sniffles and see the tears stream down my face. I kept having flashes come through my mind about the things I loved about our visits. I also was a bit emotional because I could still remember the sound of his voice as he would say "Hiya Rachel", and the smell of him as my face would get buried in his chest while his arms engulfed me in a big hug.

Today I found myself humming this song as I was laying down for a nap. The tears instantly came. I couldn't sleep. I don't know all of the words, probably just ten or so lines. I mostly know the tune and the chorus, but apparently that is all the permission my tears need to come spilling out.

In quiet moments
when I am all alone,
I close my eyes and try to see
my Heavenly home.
Where is Heaven? 
Is it very far? 
I would like to know if it's beyond the brightest star.
Where is Heaven?
Will you show the way?
I would like to learn and grow and go there someday.

I keep wishing I could call and tell him everything that has happened since he has been gone. Since I can't do that, I figured I'd write him a letter.

Dear Grandpa,

I thought you needed a family head count since February 2008. Since that February, our family has added a granddaughter-in-law (Brittany),  two grandsons-in-law (Andrew and Sean), a great granddaughter (Hailey), soon to be four great grandsons (Eli, Koby, Brandon, and name unknown), and an incubating great grandchild (name unknown). Soon you will have a total of eight great grandchildren-- I bet you never imagined so much growth in two and a half years!

I know that you always said that you wanted to see me get married. I remember when I first called you, after finding out that you were sick, crying with you as you told me that you wanted to hold on until you could see me sealed in the temple. Well, the day came.  On November 21, 2009 in the Draper, UT temple, I got to be sealed to Sean Quigley. It was a magical day, and I made the best decision I have ever made. I can't wait for you to meet him! We are expecting a baby (quick, huh?) on March 1, 2011, and as this baby turns and kicks inside me, I am comforted knowing that you get to spend time with this little spirit. If it is a boy, we hope to have his middle name be Gary-- but Sean is pretty set on it being a girl, so we may have to wait a bit. 

We are happy, healthy, and anxious for Sean to finish his last year in dental school. It took a little while, but I am adjusted and loving life in Pittsburgh. Hopefully we'll be out west next summer. Since that February, I put schooling on hold, finished two marathons, a half-marathon, and two Ragnar Relays. I teach the little squirmy, but cute, sunbeams. It has been a challenge, but is preparing me for what is to come (thankfully they won't come seven at once, knowing how to throw tantrums).

I miss you, and think of you often. I miss you waving at the end of the driveway each time we would come and visit. I wear your Anacortes sweatshirt to bed, and once I washed it I cried cause it didn't smell like you anymore. I can hear your voice still. Every time I take juice in the car I always think of your big cup of juice with ice that you would take with you when we'd go on rides. I remember sneaking sips of it. I remember sitting next to you in church and having your hand guide our little fingers into your pockets to find treats. I remember your love and your unfailing testimony. 


I remember you.


I love you,
Rachel

Take that!

The perfect comeback came out of my mouth today. Normally I would feel guilty saying something like this, but I just smiled and walked away after it slipped.

Said to someone at the salon today that started the ignorant pregnant talk.

"Looks like I was fertilized well, huh?"

Oops... looks like I found a way to release my extra hormones...

Peeking into my life at 16 weeks

This poor baby is probably getting tired of hearing the same conversation day in and day out. If I am tired of it, I am sure the little life inside of me is rolling his/her eyes-- a trait from me, unfortunately. I work at a very busy salon, with 31 other stylists. Throughout the day they call me over to show their clients my growing stomach. Sometimes I throw in a little laugh, I usually say thank you, and I always turn beet red from the attention. Here is what I hear on a daily basis...

Here are the nice things that I like to hear:

"Oh wow, I didn't realize you were pregnant until you turned."

"Look at that growing belly, you make such a cute pregnant lady."

"You make me want to be pregnant again."

"You and Sean are going to have cute little kids."

And here are the things that I hear too too often. These are the things that turn my face bright red, cause my blood pressure to soar, make my knees weak, and sometimes cause me to practice self-control and not self-defense. I occasionally want to send a punch to the mouths that let some of these comments escape from their minds out their mouths.

Said from my client, a nurse, who is 50 and a mother of three:

Nurse: "Congratulations! How many kids do you have?"
Me: "This is our first"
Nurse: "Really? How far along are you?"
Me: "Just hit 16 weeks yesterday."
Nurse: "You're kidding me! You look like you are at least 5 1/2 months along!"
Me (turning red): "Thank you"
Nurse: "You are pretty big, have you had a sonogram? Have they checked for multiples? Are there multiples in your family?
Me: "Nope, yep, yep"
Nurse: "Well if you don't have multiples, I would look into gestational diabetes, (and some other pregnancy-related complications, but I shut her out at this point). The symptoms are blah blah blah blah blah (more shutting her out)
Me: "How was your daughter's wedding?"

The man that sat in my chair five minutes after the previous conversation:

Man: "I couldn't help but notice that you are expecting- Congratulations"
Me: "Thank you"
Man: "You must be like 5-6 months along, huh?"
Me: "Actually, I just hit 16 weeks."
Man: "You're only 3 1/2 months along????!!!!"
Me (please tell me this day will end soon): "Yep. Looking pretty ripe, huh?"
Man: "Well, I am no expert in the area of pregnant women, but my wife is expecting our first, and she still has a flat stomach."
Man: "I am a physician, however, and I have seen many pregnant women. If I were you, I would have them thoroughly scan to make sure there aren't two or three in there."
Me (trying to catch my breath at the thought of him suggesting that I am large enough for three): "Thank you for your advice, we'll check into it."
Man: "You might want to read about gestational diabetes and excessive amniotic fluid."
Me: "Thank you, that'll give me something to do tonight."
Me: "Any fun plans for the weekend?"

To sum up the last shocking conversation that I had this week. I went to the mall to try to find some new work pants. I had an armful when I went into the dressing room. The dressing room attendant noticed my stomach and asked the usual questions. When she found out how far along I was, and that it was my first, her jaw dropped-- seriously. Secretly my eyes rolled-- when she wasn't looking. She lifted up her shirt and told me that she was 5 months along with her third. Her stomach was where mine was at about 11 weeks. We went through the whole routine about multiples and pregnancy complications. Yada yada yada.

I am learning that people are just trying to be helpful. I am also learning that I need to just let it roll off of my back, even when you hear these things every day ALL day. I asked for a little humility this week in my prayers, and I think that I have been humbled through the conversations that I have with people day in and day out. I am lucky to have a loving, supportive, trustworthy, hard-working, spiritual husband to help me raise our kids with. I am lucky to have wonderful, supportive, loving, hard-working, trustworthy, and spiritual parents (on both our sides), that have taught us to be parents by their examples.

As the weeks move along, I am realizing more of the changes that will take place. I am nervous to become a parent, and only hope to be as patient as Sean and both of our parents are and were. Maybe that's why I get to wade through all these conversations-- I think (despite my eye rolling) I will find ways to patiently wait for the subject to change in my next uncomfortable conversation.

14 weeks

14 weeks came and so has the tightening of my pants. I feel so much better! The nauseousness subsided and now I just battle the occasional evening headache.

Some more fabulous news came when my college roommate, from Provo, called and told me that she and her husband would be moving to Pittsburgh. YAY! They moved into our ward and are only a few blocks away. They moved here so that her husband could attend Carnegie Mellon University for graduate school.

I am enjoying Pittsburgh more as the friendships strengthen. The friends we have made out here have become our Pittsburgh family, and I am starting to realize how sad I will be to leave this place. (A year ago I thought that would never cross my mind, let alone escape my mouth)

Sean, me, Kat, and Luke heading up the incline to view Pittsburgh

Summer Trips- Cancun, Mexico

Back in May Sean and I got to meet up with our friends, the Mitchells, down in Cancun. It was so fun to see them, and also to get away from work and school. Our trip was filled, and thankfully we had our very own translator (Sean).

We took the bus to church, and without Sean here to correct me, I think it cost us maybe ten cents.

After sitting through the first two hours, I grew restless. It's hard to sit for two hours when you understand 3% of what is said. It was fun to be amongst such loving people.

We put in our applications to work at the fine, street side, barber shop.

Crystal's true colors came out when she found a bottle of spray paint on the side of the road.

We didn't even have to search for wildlife-- we practically tripped on it.

We went boating

When the music started, so did Crystal's dance moves-- our tour guide didn't wait too long to join her booty shakin moves.

We took a late night dip in the pool.

Sean and Scott learned how to sail.

We went snorkeling

There may or may not have been some smoochin....

We got some sun while eating ice cream in the sand.

We tried bartering, but may have paid more than we should have for these maracas.

We tried to set a new trend in the styling of hair with three lovely orange clips.

But Crystal soon changed her mind and got some braids.

So I copied her

We both agreed that my Medusa's needed shortened.

So we sat on the porch and burned my snakes down a bit.

We posed in the jungle

We posed in the waves

We posed in the sand

We wandered through Tulum before the rain came down in sheets

Did I mention that we posed in the sand?

We had girl talk

We peppered

We got beaten up by the waves

Buried by the sand

We may have flirted a bit with our spouses

I think our favorite part was posing in the sand

Our swimsuits tried to take most of the sand home

Scott won the sand contest, but in all fairness, his shorts had hidden pockets.

We ordered drinks from the pool bar.

We watched as they made Caesar salad dressing with raw egg- yuck!

We got tattoos, sunburns, and ruined our pedicures

Crystal is still trying to convince Scott that a tattoo wedding band goes much better with the hair profession.

We were able to do hair for a wedding party in Playa Del Carmen. It was a lovely wedding, and wonderful trip. If only we lived a little closer to these guys....

Oh, P.S. We took out our weaves

I tried to sleep carefully on my hair so that I could wear it to work the next day-- I must have slept soundly, cause it was not a pretty sight in the morning.

Over dramatic??

I probably deserve an award for being so over dramatic this last week. There are reasons why I was a little over-the-top.

Reason #1

I have watched countless women in my life go through pregnancy. In my mind I saw that they grew slowly, and didn't show until they were like 15 or so weeks along. I didn't know you could show that much at 12 weeks.


Reason #2

I work with a girl who is pregnant with her 2nd boy and is 8 weeks ahead of me. Our co-workers had us stand back-to-back and were shocked by how much larger I was than her. I know that we all carry our babies differently, but again, I was a little shocked.


Reason #3

One of my favorite co-workers is a VERY direct Russian lady. She has a grown daughter and a very THICK accent. She came up to me on Wednesday and said "Whoa girl, you are growing by the hour! Are you sure there is just one?"


Reason #4

After my first visit with the midwives I wasn't impressed. I felt we needed to switch to an OB and forget the whole midwife thing, despite how many people referred us to go to them. I had a crazy dream at 9 weeks about my upcoming 11 week visit. I dreamed that I caught the midwife being unprofessional, called her out on it, and started walking out of the office. She yelled at me and came up with the doppler to hear the heartbeat. She threw the doppler on my stomach in the lobby and said "there, ya happy?" I got angry and took the doppler and put it on the other side of my stomach and said "no, I am not! I am carrying twins, and you didn't even bother to check for a second heartbeat!" Needless to say, we left and didn't go back to them (in my dream), and I woke up feeling strongly that the dream was real and that we were going to have two babies.

I am a lot calmer this week. I called the midwife and didn't hear back until five hours later. I missed the call cause I was working. The nurse was the one who called and assured me that they measure for multiples when they do the first visit, by way of an internal exam- so fun. She said I measured normal. I calmed down a bit.

Sean and I also worked an event with the armed forces this weekend. We were sent to Akron, OH to conduct the periodic health assessments for the service men and women of the Navy and Navy Reserves. We get to work with a few Physician's assistants each time we do these events, so I was excited to pick their brains. They told me that usually small girls panic when they start getting big. They told me that there were two possibilities with my size at 12 weeks. They said that possibility #1 was that I started retaining the liquid that I need to retain, rapidly at first, but it will subside and be retained gradually from here on out. Possibility #2 is that there is more than one in there, and sometimes the second one gets overlooked.

I am calm, because I am thinking I just retained a bit more water. I am also glad, cause I skipped the chubby phase, and people aren't afraid to ask me about my pregnancy, they just see my tummy and it's obvious. For that, I am grateful.

12 weeks

I am glad I started telling all of my co-workers about my pregnancy last Thursday, cause when I came to work on Monday, this is what I looked like....

That would've been a hard explanation on Monday. We didn't have any dark backgrounds to take the picture in front of, so I improvised--with my jacket. And, I may have spilled several things on my shirt.

I am slightly worried about my size. Okay, maybe I am more than slightly worried. THIS IS MY FIRST PREGNANCY! Pregnant tummies aren't supposed to be that big at 12 weeks with your FIRST! This is what 5 months should look like-- according to all the books and websites. What is my large tummy going to look like when I am 30 weeks? People are coming up and touching my belly at 12 weeks already-- the next 28 weeks have me a bit worried. Are people going to come and talk to my stomach because I am, oh I don't know how to say it.....GIGANTIC?

The questions that are flying through my mind are:

Am I healthy?

Have I eaten too much mac n cheese?

Am I on track to gain 70+ pounds?

Is there just one in there?

Are they going to put me on bed rest?

Is the baby just laying funny?

Is my due date wrong?

Are there going to be clothes that will fit me in my third trimester?

What can I possibly squeeze into today to go to work?

But, the question that is stuck on repeat in my mind, currently, is WHY HASN'T MY DOCTOR CALLED ME BACK???!!! I want to go in and make sure I am healthy and that something isn't severely wrong.

I am driving myself crazy!