Monday, November 10, 2008

letters to my monday nemeses

Warning: Negative post ahead, proceed with caution.

Dear smirky, all-knowing math professor,
I watched you challenge us today with problem after problem. I saw that smirk across your face as you made things ALOT more complicated. Did you see me roll my eyes at you? I already feel behind with all the homework you loaded up on me today, so thank you.

I'd like to give you a gift. It's a challenge from me to you. I'd like to set a middle-aged, long head of hair in front of you and see you change the level 7, 1/2 grey 1/2 natural color, to a beautiful golden blonde with no roots and no streaking. The shape of the hair needs to change from a straight, thick, mid-back length to a bob that sits above the shoulders but not up to the chin. To hide the wrinkles along the forehead, she needs bangs--not to heavy, just the right amount--not to short, she doesn't want to look like a kindergartner that just found mom's scissors. She has thick hair, so she will need the ends to be texturized, and to make her look younger, she would like a slight a-line. Oh, I forgot to tell you something. The underlying pigment in her hair is red, so you will have to mix a little bit of green in the formula to counteract the red. Make sure you don't add too much green though, cause the grey strands will look too ashy.

Good luck! If you need my help, my office hours are from 8-8:30am Saturdays.
~Your frustrated blonde student--the one that looked like she just rolled out of bed without a shower to come to class today

Dear Albert Einstein and mathematicians,
I have a bone to pick with you. The alphabet used to be so simple, until it crossed paths with you. Now instead of just being a, b, c, d, e, f.... it's a, b, c, d, e, e, E=mc squared, and ln e. Who said you could mess with the alphabet like that?
~Blonde R-a-c-h-e e E=mc squared ln e-l

Dear nutritionists,
Why do I need to drink 8 glasses of water throughout the day? Since that is something we need to do, can there be more bathrooms?
~blonde with a small bladder

Dear bathroom,
Where are you? I am doing an embarrassing bathroom dance while trying to find you. Everyone in the hall is staring at me. My cheeks are now deep red. Please appear, please?
~dancing blonde

Dear Costco,
I love your pretzel crisps! I crave them! Are you really out of all the bags?
~hungry blonde girl

Dear Skin,
I think you are confused. I am not a teenager anymore. Please stop sending me red, bumpy surprises.
~Make-up coated blonde

Dear Monday,
Can it please be Tuesday?

~tired, cold, grouchy, stressed, hungry, small-bladdered, blonde Rachel
P.S. It's only 2 pm.


Carly and Todd said...

Oh man I miss you! You crack me up...and you are a VERY clever writer. Forget math and hair, you should write!

Paige said...

Dear Rachel,
Tomorrow might be better, but the alphabet is permanently screwed up. At least you know how to write letters.

Mari said...

Oh how I love ya. Soon the math will end, I promise. If I survived it, you can too!!!

lindsay lark said...

Dear last Friday night,

Thanks for letting me hang out with my fun, blonde, ex-roomie. It doesn't happen nearly enough.

Alex (and Trevor!) said...

Dear Rachel,

I'm in love with you.
In a NOT gay way. :)

But all men are nuts. Just nuts. You are spectacular!!!

Rob and Juliann said...

Reading this makes me what you to do my hair.

PS I loved the bathroom one the best.

Matt and Maren said...

wow, you sound exactly like me last fall. it took SO long to catch on to something then we moved on and i was so upset again..
you will once again enjoy life when this is over. until then, i suggest you pray like a primary child.

Kaela Cusack said...

at least you have a sense of humor about it! want to hang out sometime soon? :)

S.Ann said...

So at long last I, the technically challaged, have made contact with your blog. AND the Huntingtons and Idaho Arringtons. I spent a long time reading them all and loved every minute of it. You have a talent Rachel, other than hair expertise and math. I'm hoping that we'll see you at Christmas. I'll show you my scrapebook from our glorious vacation. Love, Grandma Nebeker

Robie and Chelsea said...

This post has made my day. You are hair-larious!!! wow...I crack myself up. But really, love the post!

Di said...

I so wish I could have had your humor when I was in school. You can do it! I think you should put the problem on the teachers e-e-E=MC evaluation!