Where is Heaven?

This song, by Janice Kapp Perry, makes me tear up EVERY time I hear it. It started working my tear ducts a few years ago after I found out that my grandpa had Lymphoma. I remember listening to that song, on repeat, for a couple of days after the news shook me. When he passed, two and a half years ago, I had to listen to that song for about a week, on repeat, to bring comfort and help me grieve.

Sean and I recently went on a hike (really just more like a walk through the woods) and the song that played in my mind over and over was this sweet song. Thankfully Sean hiked in front of me, and couldn't hear my sniffles and see the tears stream down my face. I kept having flashes come through my mind about the things I loved about our visits. I also was a bit emotional because I could still remember the sound of his voice as he would say "Hiya Rachel", and the smell of him as my face would get buried in his chest while his arms engulfed me in a big hug.

Today I found myself humming this song as I was laying down for a nap. The tears instantly came. I couldn't sleep. I don't know all of the words, probably just ten or so lines. I mostly know the tune and the chorus, but apparently that is all the permission my tears need to come spilling out.

In quiet moments
when I am all alone,
I close my eyes and try to see
my Heavenly home.
Where is Heaven? 
Is it very far? 
I would like to know if it's beyond the brightest star.
Where is Heaven?
Will you show the way?
I would like to learn and grow and go there someday.

I keep wishing I could call and tell him everything that has happened since he has been gone. Since I can't do that, I figured I'd write him a letter.

Dear Grandpa,

I thought you needed a family head count since February 2008. Since that February, our family has added a granddaughter-in-law (Brittany),  two grandsons-in-law (Andrew and Sean), a great granddaughter (Hailey), soon to be four great grandsons (Eli, Koby, Brandon, and name unknown), and an incubating great grandchild (name unknown). Soon you will have a total of eight great grandchildren-- I bet you never imagined so much growth in two and a half years!

I know that you always said that you wanted to see me get married. I remember when I first called you, after finding out that you were sick, crying with you as you told me that you wanted to hold on until you could see me sealed in the temple. Well, the day came.  On November 21, 2009 in the Draper, UT temple, I got to be sealed to Sean Quigley. It was a magical day, and I made the best decision I have ever made. I can't wait for you to meet him! We are expecting a baby (quick, huh?) on March 1, 2011, and as this baby turns and kicks inside me, I am comforted knowing that you get to spend time with this little spirit. If it is a boy, we hope to have his middle name be Gary-- but Sean is pretty set on it being a girl, so we may have to wait a bit. 

We are happy, healthy, and anxious for Sean to finish his last year in dental school. It took a little while, but I am adjusted and loving life in Pittsburgh. Hopefully we'll be out west next summer. Since that February, I put schooling on hold, finished two marathons, a half-marathon, and two Ragnar Relays. I teach the little squirmy, but cute, sunbeams. It has been a challenge, but is preparing me for what is to come (thankfully they won't come seven at once, knowing how to throw tantrums).

I miss you, and think of you often. I miss you waving at the end of the driveway each time we would come and visit. I wear your Anacortes sweatshirt to bed, and once I washed it I cried cause it didn't smell like you anymore. I can hear your voice still. Every time I take juice in the car I always think of your big cup of juice with ice that you would take with you when we'd go on rides. I remember sneaking sips of it. I remember sitting next to you in church and having your hand guide our little fingers into your pockets to find treats. I remember your love and your unfailing testimony. 


I remember you.


I love you,
Rachel